A Call to Be Patient

If there is one beautiful fruit I should work on these days, it is to be patient. I have no patience. I just want to get to that picture in my head, the picture of total joyfulness. You know, the one that is ten years away? I want to get to that part of me “doing” something. Not that I am not doing anything now, but I want to do the big part of my life. I want to skip the boring but needed stuff and get to the fun living, traveling and exciting stuff. One large problem to this desire is it does not work like that.

Life is not a pick and choose what season you are in. Just because you are in a season you don’t like doesn’t mean you get to fast-forward through it. Which I am so bad at understanding because on Netflix if there is a show with no excitement or if it is just sad in that part I will just fast-forward to the next happy part of the show. But life does not work this way. You cannot fast-forward to the next season just because you don't like this one. And let me tell you, it is so wonderful that it does not work like a show on Netflix; life is messy, and it is a good thing. In the mess is where we find it.

I tend to forget that only one short year ago my life was beyond messy. My life was filled with anger, sadness, and overwhelming crushing pain. I forget only seven months ago I was beginning my healing process. I even forget how messy my head was when I was sick last summer. But it was. I filled my life with negative thoughts on the inside and let my smile be fake on the outside. (Something I think many people have learned to be too good at, but that is for another time.) It is important to remind myself of these times, to remind myself how far I have come, because the mess is still here just a different shape.

I have learned everyone lives a messy life and some are consistently wanting something bigger and better. I've caught myself doing this lately. I never use to, but when life keeps changing, I tend to want to rush the changes sometimes, thinking I need more alterations. But that rush, the hurry feeling is not God. It is not the voice of a soothing peaceful Father. Quite to opposite actually.

The voice in my head telling me to hurry, to become overwhelmed, to get anxious over these things, to want to fast-forward, is not a divine voice. In fact, that voice is the enemy. That voice will attack the things you love and attack your heart. It is what fills the movies with “excitement” and makes us want to fast-forward through the “bad stuff;" which is the real truth we need to get to the actual good. We think we need to hurry, feel the rush, that overwhelming excitement, but when something is right, you feel at peace. You feel love. And don’t get me wrong, it isn’t always easy to separate the voices.

For me, it can be difficult to navigate these different attitudes in my head sometimes. Usually it isn't, but it can be. This is where my fruit of patience comes into play. I can differentiate the voices and callings by the feelings in my body. For me, if I take a moment, not a day, not an hour, but a moment. I can feel it. I can feel where the calling comes from. My mentor calls it a Discernment of Spirits. The best way to describe it is a divine gift where one can distinguish the good and the bad spirits from each other, making it a simpler life.

In the last week or two of my life I haven’t taken that moment though. I have rushed through it. I haven’t sat in a patient time waiting for Homie G to guide my heart. I have sprinted through prayer and and meeting, constantly trying to get to the next place. To the point where I have been questioning my future too often. I questioned my purpose, my callings and all the areas of my life that I do know. This is what happens when I do not allow myself to be patient. My life is not like a movie or show off Netflix; yes, it is messy like a movie, but that doesn’t mean it needs to be rushed or flustering or even anxious ridden like a movie. All my life needs for now is JC and some patience. The patience to wait for God to talk, to wait for me feet to touch the ground, the patient for my heart. What helps me through this is the great declaration of, God was there at my absolute worst, he won’t leave now. So be patient. Create the relationship for patience to thrive in. A friend explained to me, the closer I grow in relationship, the more fruitful my life becomes. I believe more patience will come in the next seasons of life as I continue to grow in my relationship.

In Christ,

Alex Ann