Release the Reins

Wow, it has been a while since I have posted anything on this blog. I mean don’t get me wrong, I have written for it, but nothing was ever good enough to explain my feelings to post. Yet here, this post, won the un-winnable race of my mind. Part of that is because I am letting go of the reins I grasped so tightly. So, sit back, take a deep breath and read to be filled with hope.

Can I just yell from the tops of my lungs, “GOD IS SO GOOD.” And can I also say in the softest voice that no longer has shame, just exhaustion behind it, “this by far has been the hardest season of life.” I am going to be honest, I did not like this season. It was filled with so much pain, not from anyone, but from the worst, the enemy. Yes, I, Alex, was not only attacked by the enemy but I have been held by him for far too long. And in the last year I have walked through more anxiety than I have ever before in my life. It was awful. Many days it was too much for me to handle and I would hide under covers, behind a fake smile and even behind the people I love the most or even, hiding out from the world with them. I became someone I never wanted to be: I became unauthentic.

Have you ever felt that way? Like you are a shell of yourself? That you do not know the person in the mirror? Asking yourself, “How did I get here?” Have you ever felt so ingenuine that you shut down because you know to your core you are lying to everyone around you? If you answered any of these question with a yes, you are not alone. Trust me, I have been there. I was there. I am walking out of there. It’s a dark place, an awful place. I am empathetic to you and your heart for sitting in the dark cave feeling alone. But please keep reading, it gets better.

You see, I felt this way. Often. I slowly stopped being Al; the fun, loving, big-hearted and excited child at heart. I became, Alex; the serious person who can’t keep her head on right and who feels like they are not only overwhelmed but is doing everything bare minimum to just keep up but never to be exceptional anymore. I became mundane with the same thing that always excited me, my life. I am here to explain, that feeling is unlike any before. It is not only empty and worthless, but it aches a constant never leaving pain of bland pins piercing the heart so slowly it almost, just almost, doesn’t hurt but always does. It’s an ugly place to be captive. A place where if you cry, it must be in silent out of shame and disgust. It is not a place a Child of God should be held. (And if you understand my theological views, you understand each and every person living and dead are a child of God.) And that my friends, is what I walked through. And it not only hurt me, but I lashed out at the ones I love the most. I let the enemy grab me and hurt all my relationships, friendships and safe places and turn them all into a battlefield. It was not the real me. That is not an excuse by any means, I own up to my actions, I have done some awful things, but here I am. I am still alive; I am still standing, and I want to be healthy. In fact, I am becoming healthy; I feel shifting for the better.

This post in to encourage those who have been stuck, sliding, where the world keeps getting worse. This is for you. I promise you; it will get better. I walked through it. It will. God has shown me such a light this week. He broke through to my heart and let out that hate and pain I have been holding onto. He opened the gates of my own self worth to tell me that my body is brilliant but that my heart is even more. God has done so much at the most unexpected time in my life. It took 24 hours. Twenty-four hours to turn one year of battling with anxiety and pain from it for Him to say, “No Al, today is your day.” And He gave me peace. I found it in Him. Not in the person I love the most in the world, not in the people who support me the most, not in the friends I laugh with; I found peace, worth and a safe haven in His arms. That is the power of God. It took 24 hours for Him to show me so many blessings and change my heart for the better, yet again. READ THAT AGAIN. He changed my heart in 24 hours and is continuing to change my heart. I feel like me again. I feel like Al. The real Al. Not the fixer, but the lover. Not the control freak, but the one who believes God’s provision is over her life. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I can breathe, I feel like I can laugh. I feel like Alex Ann.

Now, I don’t want to say I hate the season because I don’t. I learned so much in this season. I learned more than I thought someone could who is walking through that pain and darkness. I learned about myself, my relationships with others and how to lean into God’s arms when the darkness seems more like a blackout. You see I have learned something so crazy about myself, I use to live in the moment, but lately I have been living for the moment. I am done. I am claiming it, I am done living for the moment. I am releasing the reins and I am no longer living for a specific moment. I am declaring I am living in the moment. Every moment. The bad, the great, good, the ugly. I want to live in all of them and stop rushing to the next moment. And that my friends, I feel is a lesson unlike any other. A lesson of not taking for granted the time I am living; to not serious and to be enjoyable. To be present.

If you are currently struggling with something like I have, reach out. I would love to pray over you and extend my heart and God’s healing.

Love Always,

Alex Ann