The "Supposed To" Standard

It is no secret I talk often. I would like to say that I have a lot of to say, but I don’t, I just want to talk and converse with people. And I may be emotion filled gal. But just because I am emotional, I have learned I may not be as authentic as I aspire to be, all because I am not vulnerable. Don’t get me wrong, with select individuals I am... but the question I ask myself is, didn’t I use to be vulnerable with more than just those people? I think the answer is yes and no. It has been situational for a very long time; if I feel good, I am vulnerable, fearless of rejection, but if I don’t feel good, I am not. I am fear filled of “oh my, what will they think of me if I .......” But let me crack this can of uncomfortable worms open, that situational stuff for vulnerability is not right. If you don’t feel good, that is the time to get vulnerable, in other words, open your dang heart up!

I am going to get real, genuine and authentic with y’all right now. The last few weeks have not been easy for me. And for me that is a big step; to admit it. A few reasons why; I didn’t lose a job recently, I am financially okay, I am single and have no children therefore no homeschool. Therefore, I physically do not feel I been affected by the virus. I didn’t feel comfortable sharing because others are really struggling right now, and my prayers go out to those of you who are during this pandemic. And another reason is, I didn’t want others to feel they caused this emotion or “fall” of mine. You see, I mentor many women, I help run a college women’s bible study, aid in campus ministry, and I am in a study group for nursing. I FaceTime or zoom with many people throughout a day (just as you all do as well) and consistently have others asking for my advice. I didn’t want to pour out my problems and have any of these people feel like they are a burden to my life. But a news flash to those people, I chose to lead, to mentor or be a part of a relationship with you. Those moments, the seeking advice moments, mentor moments and girl gang moments are the highlights of my days. Therefore they, as in anyone asking something of me, didn’t cause my struggle. But rather I did, just because I wanted to protect everyone's feelings around me and I have a tough time walking away from anything, or saying no. I set myself into a spiraling effect of hidden anxiety. I think we all have seen this or maybe even know this kind of anxiety on a first name basis. This is the kind of anxiety that you keep saying doesn’t exist; the “Oh I am doing great, I don’t feel anxious or stressed at all,” forcing a smile without realizing you are forcing one to your closest friend kind of anxiety. That, my brothers and sisters, is the anxiety I have been letting walk all over me in this season.

I think some can relate. I also think some can’t. Maybe you are killing it at this quarantine lifestyle or maybe you are doing worse than me. Either way, I think if you keep reading you may grow in understanding and empathy or maybe even learn how to nourish your own peace. 

If you have asked me in the last month how I am doing, I have totally and wholehearted lied to your face. That is bad. Trust me, I am very aware. I can tell you I am attempting to fix it. The truth is that I, along with many others, are telling you what you wish to hear, not what we actually feel. This has been happening long before the COVID-19 season. Everyone just tells you what you want to hear. However, a massive piece to this puzzle is right before I speak, I think to myself, “What will they think if I say I am still broken, hurting and feel totally overtaken.” I, the child that is supposed to be a flipping worrier, I am child of Yahweh for crying out loud, I am supposed to be the one who has it together. Or am I? 

You see, there is a major problem I witness in my walk right now. It is this “supposed to” crap. Whether you have faith or not we all use “supposed to” way too much! On others and on ourselves. When I, or anyone else, places the label of “supposed to,” we create a standard. An expectation. Possibly, even a pedestal for someone or worse, ourselves to be planted on. I do it. You do too. Standards and expectations are not bad; it’s when they are impractical, they become toxic. Let me give you an example of an impractical expectation and standard I have placed on myself. I think I can do everything. By everything, I mean a modern-day superwoman. I think I can be a part of three bible studies, read my bible every day, be in nursing school, work forty hours a week, play a huge part of DSU’s campus ministry, have a social life, eat healthy, have a clean place and enjoy my coffee all while reading a good book and getting in my work out for the day. (I am not sure about your eyes, but mine grew three sizes just by reading that.) And the worst truth is, that is a real example of my life before quarantine. That, my brothers and sisters, is a real-life (and real good) example of an impractical expectation or standard. How did I get there? Well, I was supposed to be all those things. I placed myself on a pedestal, the pedestal of “I am supposed to do it alone,” which is like placing myself as an equal with God. (Oh no, that escalated quickly, right?) And it is easy to do if you forget or cloud your intentions. I choose to intentionally live out a life for Christ, but when I let that get clouded, fuzzy or blurred by things around me, earthly, temporary things, I become about me. And my world becomes bigger than God’s world.

Don’t get me wrong, we as a people, should create some expectations. Even God has expectations for us. For example, Romans 12 verse 2, Paul tells you an expectation is to be transformed and to not live by the patterns of this world (such as creating impractical standards.) Another example of expectations from God are Romans chapter 12 verses 9 through 21. This passage is filled with text similar to a marching order, the “how to be a child of God” marching order. These are expectations, things He has called us to do. Standards and expectations are good, but like I said before, it is when they become impractical, they become toxic. And when we place the words “supposed to” on others, or ourselves, we are creating a destructive mindset. A “have to” or “must” mindset. Then, what if we can’t? What if it is not possible because we are humans? And that, my friends, it may be the moment you hit a wall. A rock solid one. You are doing so many things and being spread out so much you physically can’t, and you snap. Even during quarantine, I am a busy soul. I am in and out of many meetings, answering thousands of emails, jumping on mentor calls and running bible studies , not to mention I am still in nursing school. All the sudden your fragile glass pedestal is broken into a million pieces, and you hit the floor. Not only are you ugly crying but you are on your knees ugly praying (you know, when you are crying to God and yelling upward in the air, it’s a good messy). You are one minor inconvenience away from a panic attack, the walls have already started to close in, and you know the next stage isn’t where you want to be. And let me tell you a secret, that point is okay to get to. And for that matter, having a panic attack or anxiety is okay. Do I think we should all line up with our party hats and go have these intense, painful attacks? No. Definitely not. But if this happens, I want you to know it is okay. Nothing is wrong with you. And you are loved. 

How I grew up, I thought it meant I was broken and messed up. I thought it made me unworthy. I saw a panic attack of mine, or what was on the border line of being an attack as a problem that needed fixing. And that is why I tell you it is okay. Because no one ever did until I was twenty years into this thing called life. It is okay to be broken, in pain, hurting, messy and attacked, because guess what? We all are, in our own ways of course, but none the less we are. Jesus redeemed our brokenness. We are still broken but through Him we have been made new, allowed a clean slate. And because of us being one nation, the body of Christ, I caution you on how you use “suppose to” to yourself and others. We are called to be children of the Almighty, the Lord our God. So why do we act like the Pharisees, holding ourselves and others to patterns of this world, these impractical standards? 

I know I have done it a lot in my life. I also believe I will do more of it in my life. I believe my last panic attack wasn’t my last one. I believe sometime in the future the enemy will attack my thoughts, feelings, and my heart. Why wouldn’t he attack me? I am a Child of the great Lord Almighty, so that is a smart battle plan on his part. But just because the enemy attacks through my fears and anxiety and standards of “supposed to” does not mean he gets to win. Proverbs chapter 24 verse 16 says with God as my guide, I can win the battle; “Though a righteous person falls seven times, he will get up, but the wicked will stumble into ruin,” (Christian Standard Bible.) Meaning, those who respect God, that are in good relation of Him, that follow the good moral compass God provides will rise again. Which states right there, it is okay to move through painful seasons, it is okay to be hurting and in agony, God will meet you where you stand. You aren’t supposed to have it all together. Nowhere in the bible does it say that! This is an unrealistic expectation and standard we place on our shoulders in this world. It comes from fear of rejection of truth because we are supposed to or are expected to do this or that. I encourage you to try something new, something that has pulled me off the ground, returned me to my feet, I encourage you to open your prayer life. Often times, I tell other believers what they want to hear because I think, “what will they think if I...” But God is not that way. He genuinely does not think there is a stupid question or dumb response. He already knows you better than anyone ever could, so why not peel off the band aid and get brutally honest with Him. Tell Him everything that makes you mad, upset, emotional, sad, joyful or loved. Everything. 

And to those of you who are like me, turning your nose up, those that are saying, “I already have, what, you haven’t?” Give yourself a little heart check because I bet there are somethings you haven’t said. I bet there are a few things you haven’t taken to Him because what would it change? Everything. It would change everything. Just like all communication, it strengthens a relationship. And I can tell you, the strongest relationship I want in my life is my relationship with my Creator. 

In Christ,

Alex Ann