To the boy who broke my heart,

I wanted to blame you. Not only about the way you treated me, but for the way you let me go. Quickly and without a second thought. Like a child with a new toy. And although I do not forgive you of your unkindness to me, I do now know there were days I chose to break my own heart. I wanted to be the one for you, and needed you to be the one for me. I needed it to work out because I put the entirety of my heart into this, and I did not want to lose. And in the process, the only person I lost was myself.

So how can I blame you for my own inability to recognize when a person does not want me. I no longer blame you for how my heart broke into millions of pieces. On those days where my head is too heavy with thoughts, I blame myself for not walking away sooner.

I spent so much time and energy into fixing us, fixing you and how you saw me, I got lost. So lost that I forget the last time I sat back and thought, I truly love this person. I loved the idea of you. I loved the future we could have had. The ranch and the kids and the life. But I hated how I was treated. I dreaded nights because I could not fall asleep with the tears that were cried for hours. I hated the days because I would wake up and try my best but this small small town knew half of our story and if was your half, so to them I was crazy. I hated classes because I had to sit next to the women who had been with you while we were together, and I wanted to stay classy so I would say anything. I hated work because people would tell me more truths about you and how I was treated. I hated begging for a glimpse of attention while other women you’ve known for fifteen hours had it all. I hated life. And though I do not agree, or support your actions, I do not blame you anymore.

I blame me for not leaving the second a boundary was crossed. I blame me for staying through all the terribleness because you promised you could do better. I blame me, for not seeing your colors as they were, RED. Not pink, like love, not orange like a sunset. RED, like a terrible burning fire with no regards to the damages caused.

I am no longer mad, or upset, not even sad. I learned to forgive myself for staying. I also learned to be me again. The women you fell so hard for years ago. I lost her in our war of dominance and pettiness. But she is back now, stronger and better than I’ve seen in a while. So please, if you do ever empathize to the girl you broke, don’t. Because you did not break heart. I did, by allowing someone to treat me poorly.

I do not blame you. And even some days I might want to say thank you, if I knew it would not go straight to your head. I want to tell you thank you for teaching me reality.

Thank you for humbling me and teaching me to have my guard up. For treating me so poorly that now I question it all. I had to learn how to not be naive and to take things at face value. So thank you for raising my standards, and teaching me that unless he does more than the expectations of being a good person, he does not deserve me.

I don’t blame you. I am grateful for the lessons I’ve learned after breaking my own heart. And though I use to wish I never met you, I’m glad I did. Because I would have never loved myself this much if you didn’t teach me how to not love.

Not yours,

Al