Where my love stems

The reality in life is sometimes people hurt you. Disappoint you. And break you into something you’ve never wanted to be. Sometimes people do this intentionally. They think on it. They process through it and then act. It’s manipulative and it opened my eyes to the reality of people. And sometimes people do this unintentionally, they act on it without any thinking. This way is just torture; to put someone through pain without thinking on how it could effect them. Either way, the effect it can have on the victim is some version of the word “crazy.”

Let’s rewind it back though, starting when I was five years old, my mother use to take me to Bensons. It’s a garden and a greenhouse in Missoula, MT that sold everything one would need in for flowers and gardens in western MT. My favorite part of the entire place was when we would walk around! I would specifically grab a small cardboard box from the front of the store area that was meant for plants to sit in and I would pick up every single flower on the ground. All of them. The pretty ones and the not so pretty ones and the ones who had been crushed by feet and the ones hidden behind the displays. I would grab them all. A ton of people would ask me why, not to mention those that probably wondered why. And I never truly said. All I said is that I liked them.

I think many people thought, they will die on the ground just as fast as they will in the cardboard box. And to them, y’all were right. But that wasn’t the point for me, to get them to live longer. In fact, had it nothing to do with that. The entire reason I did that was this: I felt bad for the flowers who had no home to go to so I created a home for the misfits. Don’t get me wrong they would eventually die, but for a moment “they” knew what love felt like. Now I’m not five anymore so I understand flowers don’t have emotions, but “they” still had a home, and “they” knew what it was like to feel wanted. And that is all I ever wanted, for “them” to know the feeling of love. It’s all I’ve ever wanted for every human that has ever walked in my life.

I guess we can say I haven’t changed much. I still buy the clearance plants at Walmart for the exact same reason. Not to mention all the clearance DVDs. And when I felt the most unloved in my entire life, and my body and soul had been drained and replaced with shells of a human, I still bought a senior dog who needed to be shown all the love. And it was the same process: Abby (my dog) was not going to live any longer with me then in the dog kennel, she is still old and still going to pass on within a few years. But with me, I could make sure she felt what love feels like. And it’s the same logic that has driven me in my relationships with friends, family and significant others.

It’s where my love stems from. A place where I want everyone to feel what it feels like to be loved for who you are. It is my heart. It is why I still believe love does exist.

However, I stand by what I said at the beginning. Sometimes people hurt you. Disappoint you. And break you into something you’ve never wanted to be. And when they do this to you, it teaches a lesson. A lesson that just because you want to make others feel what being loved the right way is, does not mean they want that for you. The lesson goes so much deeper than that though. It is that, and also this:

Chose people that chose you. Realize that the bare minimum is NOT effort. The lesson expands on: you do NOT have to beg someone to stay in your life. There is no need to prove yourself worth to be worthy of someone’s love. That inconsistency is a sign of uninterested, those that want you show you. That actions speak louder than words and people will always show you how much you really mean to them. The lesson is to not settle. Just because one person did not see your value does not mean you are not valuable. And finally, the lesson is this, you will be loved the right way one day. Just because you haven’t yet, does not mean it doesn’t exist.

It is not an easy lesson. And some days are difficult to take this lesson with gratitude. But it was a lesson I learned and one that I continue to grow on and understand. As I mature, this lesson will release more to me and I am sure of that, but as for now, this is where my love stems from for all my relationships in life.

With all my love to my dear friend,

Alex Ann