Why I Stayed

Hello babes, it’s been a minute since I’ve gotten to share a story with y’all and so I figured it’s time to dive into one of the biggest stories. My past. More specifically, why I stayed in a relationship when I knew it was not good. In fact, it was Toxic.

If you’re new to this blog and to my story, hello, welcome and I’m so excited to share my personal healing with you. You picked one heck of an intro to get to know me. And if you’re a returner, welcome back, sending love to everyone.

A fair warning to all y’all. This will be one of the most vulnerable posts I’ve created. I will be discussing some difficult things. And to be completely transparent, for those that have never been in an unhealthy relationship, it may not make sense. But I will try my best to explain the answer to the most intimate question of Why I Stayed?

The gist of it comes down to a simple truth. I stayed because I have a healing heart. A heart that is empathetic and loving and caring. And I wanted nothing more than to provide my empathy, love and care to a soul who has been so broken and hadn’t seen his worth. I allowed his healing to be a priority over mine. No, I didn’t want to change the guy. In fact, I loved him despite his flaws, I simply saw a person who was hurt by the girls before me and damaged so much that I thought I could help. I thought I could show him his worth and be an aid in his healing. And that is where it all went wrong for me. Because as much as I loved this person and gave them my everything, I stopped giving myself anything. And if I wasn’t, and he wasn’t, who was?

Yet, to be blunt, hurt people, hurt people. And I’ve never agreed with something more. This boy had so much pain and resentment built up before I entered his world, that when I entered the relationship, it had to be built on lies for him to “keep me.” By this I mean how we interacted early in our relationship. We were close friends for a long time. And I enjoyed that. It was nice having someone who simply understood me. But he knew when it came to men in my life, I had specifics I wanted so he became those for the wrong reason: to win me over. You see he never wanted to really truly be that person for me, he just wanted to win over the girl with impossible standards. This meant in order to fit the mold of what I wanted; little lies were made. The lies were simple. And in fact, we all do them when we are immaturely dating. Lies like the type of food we like, the type of music we listen to, and even the hobbies we enjoy. In the nicest way possible, I chop it up to he did this because he did not know how long this opportunity to be with me would last so he was trying to cease it to the fullest. Yet when we start to lie about our lives, where we are at, what we are doing, what we enjoy doing, they paint a facade of a human to the person listening to the lie. Or in the bluntest of terms, you created a version of you that doesn’t exist. Does that make sense? If you lie to someone, you change their perception of you, and when you do that, they believe in what they were told. Therefore, if you add this up like I did, my entire relationship was built off one person claiming they were this when in reality they weren’t that person at all. And a house built on lies can never be a home. And eventually, it will crumble. Myself and my past relationship are proof that it does.

So, back to the main point, why I stayed. I stayed because I was lied to. It started small. Unintentional pain. The music he liked, the movies he liked, the activities he enjoyed. It was lies to impress me, and it worked. For example, I really enjoy walks. Especially with people. It is nice to have a conversation while moving and it keeps my head on straight. So, I asked him on walk often and he explained that he enjoyed the walks with me. And the conversations we had on walks were where I learned to open and trust him. So because of him saying he liked them, I perceived that he enjoyed walking and enjoyed the conversations. When in reality he hated walking and he did not like talking. Is it starting to click a little? It is a crazy tactic that happens when people try to win over people superficially. They become what they thought the person wanted when in reality they cannot be that person. It is a surface change, not a heart change.

I was the person who was lied to. And that is why I felt it was too good to be true. Because he would do anything I wanted to do out of fear of losing me. So, when you fall in love with someone who does everything one way (the way they have showed you numerous times) and then when they get “comfortable” the real them comes out and it is NOTHING like the person they showed you, you are flung into an exceedingly difficult place. A place of questioning if this is actually them or if it’s just a bad day for them because “you know them on a level, and they would never do this.” The trauma associated with this is a wild roller coaster ride. And as time slowly moves on, you two develop a bond of hot and cold. The hot is the person they claim to be, and the cold is who they really are. So, when they act hot, you feel loved and wanted and needed. And when they act cold, you feel like nothing and no one. You feel like trash thrown on the side of the road. Not even in a trash can. And let me tell you, it’s a real chemical addiction. And that is exactly what happened. I became addicted to the hot, the lovey, sweet, caring side and that allowed me to think the cold, bitter hurtful side, was fine. You see I thought it was just a bad week. So, I would make excuses. But then it turned into awful season. And so, I became hopeful it would all pass. And by the time I finally noticed, it was just a cold heart that sometimes turned my direction.

To be clear, the cold side starts off slow like I stated earlier. It starts off with not keeping a simple promise. For example, missing a scheduled dinner or not helping with laundry. And then when you allow an inch, the cold side takes a mile. Soon it’s showing up late by ten minutes, then thirty, then 2 hours. Then it’s phone calls saying I cannot come after the event has already started. Then it’s just ghosting you over those plans made. Do you see how bad it gets? And as the addict, you are constantly fighting the urge to lose it on them and so you make excuses for them that you say towards others. And these go something like this, “he’s just busy right now,” “he’s tired today so he is sleeping,” “his family needs him.” You will literally say anything to cover for them because you do not want to lose them or lose the small attention you do get. And quickly, the lies you tell to cover them become truths you believe. And that is where you go one step deeper to add compassion to the mix. They are tired, busy, overwhelmed so you do your best to help. You offer study sessions, you make dinner. You clean for them. Anything and everything to make their life easier because they are too busy. And honestly, when you really are a partnership, you do care so much about them that you do want to help them in ways that offer refuge. But the difference is, in a narcissistic bond relationship, it’s all one sided. Isn’t it crazy? For some of y’all you’re reading this saying “yup, Yup, YUP.” And for some of y’all you are readying this going “what in the world, is all of this true?!” And the answer is yes. All of it. Granted this is a summarized version, but it’s all true. I lived it fully and sadly I thought I was the sole problem through it all. And that my friends are point blank manipulation. It is sad. But it happens.

So yes, I stayed. And a simple answer to why is because I have a healing heart. But the extended version is I fell in love with a man who does not exist. I fell in love with what he showed me and that was his potential. Not his truth. When you fall for someone in that way, you stay, looking for the person you know that they could be. Battling constantly back and forth in your head as to what is real and what isn’t. I stayed because I loved and to me love is not something to take lightly. It’s genuine and authentic and needs nurturing. So I stayed to try and fix what I could not see. I stayed because I wanted him to see himself as I saw him. And most importantly I stayed because to my core, I thought he was honest with me.

And when I realized this, it was a boy looking into my eyes, telling me complete lies.

It’s soul breaking stuff. It’s deep, emotional and trauma filled. It is awful and manipulative and it tears you apart. But it happens. You see it happened to me. A girl on fire after the Lord who had a 4.0 and chasing after her nursing degree. And if it can happen to me it can happen to many people. And that’s why I explain the process and talk about my story. But the hope in it all is I GOT OUT. I left. I was able to escape the narcissist grasps I was under. And if one can, we all can. It is painful and the healing process will never be over for me, but it’s also so much better than I ever expected. I smile all the time and enjoy life constantly. I live to the fullest in every way these days. And boy, love is a completely different view these days. I stayed because I was being true to my morals, and I left because I was staying true to myself.

Love,

Alex Ann